Having patience while my son is depressed

My beautiful son is suffering a lot and all I can do is stand by and watch. His girlfriend (his first love) broke his heart in a cruel and calculating way. He is devastated. Was not able to make it back to school for this semester.

He is deeply depressed and has gone to a very low and dark space.
I am doing my best to be a quiet, loving, presence and just be there for him. I am loving him. There is nothing else I can do. And I know that this too shall pass, eventually…

The sunlight and shadows and stillness of the early morning kitchen surround me. All this shit came to a head only 5 days ago.

He is asleep. Today we will get some medication that will help him as he lives through his depression.

I am blessed to be here with him. I am so grateful he is home and not away at school. He won’t let me do anything, but I can watch him and be here. I am praying to my grandparents in heaven who watch over us and love us and help us.

Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is Gary Zukav

He has a flat affect most of the time, but sometimes he comes back alive a little bit.

He has a good rapport as far as I can tell with the therapist I found for him. He is going again today.

The only thing I bought on vacation this years was a candle and some incense. They are being put to good use now, when I remember. Sitting silently is what I do a lot of the day while he sleeps. The light of the candle and the spicy aroma of the incense stick is nice.

I have been exasperated and overwhelmed. I am going to start seeing a therapist tomorrow.

No Self Awareness = Pain and No Inner Peace

A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves a thousand moments of regret

When I slip back into my old habitual thinking habits, which is to react to thoughts instead of noticing them and instead calmly responding to them -without being all emotional -I lose my inner peace. Having no self awareness is for me a recipe for pain and suffering.

Last Sunday before my son went back to college my husband and I got into it verbally. I was online paying 2 bills and noticed how much money he is charging to PayPal to pick things up here and there for his newest hobby, which is fixing old bikes. Well it was NOT a little amount of money –  and instead of me sitting with it for a moment and collecting myself before I asked him about it, I blurted out a snarky  comment to him.

Well that set him off naturally, he said something back to me that was snarky, and next thing I know we were hurling insults back and forth at each other.

The amount of anger I felt was just off the charts. We both probably scared the shit out of ourselves, because we haven’t talked to each other since and its now Wednesday! 🙁 Continue reading “No Self Awareness = Pain and No Inner Peace”