Having patience while my son is depressed

My beautiful son is suffering a lot and all I can do is stand by and watch. His girlfriend (his first love) broke his heart in a cruel and calculating way. He is devastated. Was not able to make it back to school for this semester.

He is deeply depressed and has gone to a very low and dark space.
I am doing my best to be a quiet, loving, presence and just be there for him. I am loving him. There is nothing else I can do. And I know that this too shall pass, eventually…

The sunlight and shadows and stillness of the early morning kitchen surround me. All this shit came to a head only 5 days ago.

He is asleep. Today we will get some medication that will help him as he lives through his depression.

I am blessed to be here with him. I am so grateful he is home and not away at school. He won’t let me do anything, but I can watch him and be here. I am praying to my grandparents in heaven who watch over us and love us and help us.

Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is Gary Zukav

He has a flat affect most of the time, but sometimes he comes back alive a little bit.

He has a good rapport as far as I can tell with the therapist I found for him. He is going again today.

The only thing I bought on vacation this years was a candle and some incense. They are being put to good use now, when I remember. Sitting silently is what I do a lot of the day while he sleeps. The light of the candle and the spicy aroma of the incense stick is nice.

I have been exasperated and overwhelmed. I am going to start seeing a therapist tomorrow.

Last weekend sucked so bad

fall seven times stand up eight japanese proverb


Last weekend I was sick with a cough and fever (over 101) and body aches. I am usually a pretty healthy person so being under the weather for a month has not been easy for me at all.  I feel antsy and a bit unhinged and a little scared too- why can’t I shake this? I was on antibiotics a month ago and just finished a course of prednisone.

I hate missing work and I missed 3 days last month. So I am still hacking away and watching the weather get nice outside and feeling bad because I can’t really be out doing much because my lungs won’t let me.

So imagine my  surprise last weekend when, after I had just left work to go to my doctor’s office again for this raging chest cold (I was there earlier in the month too),  my husband announces that he is inviting a friend from work over  along with his girlfriend and their dog. He wants to take them on a hike and to have a cookout (!!) Continue reading “Last weekend sucked so bad”

Emotional Pain – feeling sick in the stomach





For a variety of reasons, I find myself feeling very triggered and reactionary today. For the short time I have been awake I have had a very strong urge to lash out at those closest to me – and that means my husband and son, both of whom are home today. I feel the emotional pain right in my solar plexus, almost like a sick to my stomach feeling.

Having the presence of mind to get out of the house, I got in the car and went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. I turn on the CD player and hear The Power of Now, disc 6 and this is the balm I need so desperately… Continue reading “Emotional Pain – feeling sick in the stomach”