A Happy Weekend

The last month has been busy for me. I have been working, going to my therapy, communicating with my husband, and being there for my son.

And now fall is here. This is my absolute favorite time of year. I took Buddy for a nice long walk first thing this morning around 2 lakes in the middle of my little town. It was cool and cloudy and raining a little. I don’t know why but I love this weather.


Today is a special day. My son is making his first trip back up to school to spend time with his friends. My brother-in-law is coming up to spend time with my husband. And I am going to New York City for the weekend with my 2 good girlfriends. So much to be grateful for! Continue reading “A Happy Weekend”

Little by little we are healing

In the days after I realized how emotionally depressed my son was I found myself in a lot of fear. Terror actually. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. But then I slowly began to connect with others. Other mothers who had been through their children’s traumas. Other people who had survived their own depression and anxiety.

Fear not little flock for it is your Fathers good pleasure to give you the kingdom

One thing I told myself when all this happened- I was NOT going to isolate from others. Years ago I would have held all this pain in and carried it around in me like a big dark secret. But I have learned that keeping secrets keeps you sick.

I am not going around shouting my miseries and woes to everyone and anyone. But it is important for me to share my life and what I am going through with others who are close to me- my friends and family. Continue reading “Little by little we are healing”

Having patience while my son is depressed

My beautiful son is suffering a lot and all I can do is stand by and watch. His girlfriend (his first love) broke his heart in a cruel and calculating way. He is devastated. Was not able to make it back to school for this semester.

He is deeply depressed and has gone to a very low and dark space.
I am doing my best to be a quiet, loving, presence and just be there for him. I am loving him. There is nothing else I can do. And I know that this too shall pass, eventually…

The sunlight and shadows and stillness of the early morning kitchen surround me. All this shit came to a head only 5 days ago.

He is asleep. Today we will get some medication that will help him as he lives through his depression.

I am blessed to be here with him. I am so grateful he is home and not away at school. He won’t let me do anything, but I can watch him and be here. I am praying to my grandparents in heaven who watch over us and love us and help us.

Eventually you will come to realize that love heals everything, and love is all there is Gary Zukav

He has a flat affect most of the time, but sometimes he comes back alive a little bit.

He has a good rapport as far as I can tell with the therapist I found for him. He is going again today.

The only thing I bought on vacation this years was a candle and some incense. They are being put to good use now, when I remember. Sitting silently is what I do a lot of the day while he sleeps. The light of the candle and the spicy aroma of the incense stick is nice.

I have been exasperated and overwhelmed. I am going to start seeing a therapist tomorrow.

Self Care Diary: Because Vacation Is a Lot of Work

Yesterday I got home from vacation with my family. We went to Chatham, Massachusetts, which is a lovely New England beach town in Cape Cod. I took excellent care of myself on vacation and that is the topic of this post.

Self care is always one of my top priorities. When you treat yourself well, your body and mind respond in kind. Also, it demonstrates to others (your spouse, your children, etc.) that you care about yourself, and this can rub off on them. Well, hopefully, that is…

how i took care of myself on vacation this year

But before I tell you what I did for my self care, to maintain my sanity and my composure, let me illustrate the nuances of this vacation. Continue reading “Self Care Diary: Because Vacation Is a Lot of Work”

And… He’s sick again

life isnt about waiting for the storm to pass its about learning to dance in the rain

Can’t believe this shit. I really thought once the Crohn’s flare up was past, he’d be feeling better and get back to his life. He had 2 good, normal days and now he’s sick again. 🙁

I get scared when he’s so exhausted. It’s 2:10pm on Saturday and he’s dead asleep on the couch. He woke up this morning, tried to putter around and had to lay down by around 10 am. This after sleeping all night. I feel so bad for him. At least he’s not having stomach pain. Continue reading “And… He’s sick again”

Why I am Practicing Gratitude When Our Health Insurance Denied Us 3 Times

when you accept what is every moment is the best moment

Today I am going to actively practice gratitude. Bob still doesn’t feel well. He missed 2 days of work last week, and he has to be half dead to not go to work. So I know he feels like shit. I am going to not focus on that today because it makes me feel very scared and hopeless. Instead I am going to be thankful for what is.

Last Saturday Bob finally got his Remicade infusion- hurray! 😀 Seriously, I want to shout Hallelujah from the mountaintops!  I’m glad I spoke up to the doctor and told him how his office and the new insurance company were giving us the run around (as I said in my last post, they denied his Remicade THREE times- and he’s been getting if for over a year!). I only wish I hadn’t waited a full month before I did say something. Note to self- remember to advocate for my family’s health care.  I am so happy and grateful that Bob finally got the medicine he needs. Continue reading “Why I am Practicing Gratitude When Our Health Insurance Denied Us 3 Times”

What Self Care Looks Like When I’m Tired & Stressed

if your compassion doesnt include yourself its incomplete

Today’s topic is remembering to practice self care in times of stress. Taking care of your body, mind, and spirit is important to do in all phases of life. And I would say it is absolutely crucial to practice self care during times of stress or upheaval.

I am fairly disciplined to take care of myself. And lately I have really needed some TLC because I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants!

Today is my wonderful Wednesday- my day off in the middle of the week. It feels so nice to sit in my quiet sunny kitchen and just take in the morning. I just took Buddy for a good long walk around the neighborhood. The past 2 days it was freezing out and I was too exhausted after work to do much. Bob still has a lot of exhaustion from his Crohn’s flare up so it was all he could do to make it to work.

Making the effort to get up and get outside- even though it’s cold and I was tired- was a little gift I gave myself. Once outside I could witness the beauty of this early April morning and enjoy walking and warming up and exercising and being with my Buddy boy… Continue reading “What Self Care Looks Like When I’m Tired & Stressed”

Staying Positive during my husband’s Crohn’s flare up

When we long for life without difficulties remind us that oaks grow strong

I woke up today with a feeling of dread and everything seemed bleak. My husband is in a pretty severe flare up of his Crohn’s disease. A few days ago he had a partial bowel obstruction that almost landed him in the hospital. He continues to have a lot of pain and exhaustion.

Living with a spouse that has chronic illness is challenging to be sure. It is hard to stand by and feel so helpless when someone you love is suffering and in pain. Sometimes I get tired and weary from the stress and worry. Which is why it is even more important for me to take really good care of myself. I need to be there for my husband and son, and can’t do that if I let myself get down. Continue reading “Staying Positive during my husband’s Crohn’s flare up”

18/40/60 Rule and Self Acceptance

you are good enough believe it

Did you know that your level of self acceptance determines your level of happiness?

Self acceptance is when you can not only accept, but embrace all facets of your self- the good, the bad and the ugly.

While I can’t say I accept Everything about me, I am definitely forgiving of a lot of the mistakes of my past. I also am not so hard on myself in most areas where used to feel I didn’t measure up.  At this stage in my life, it feels nice have some compassion and kindness towards myself and to no longer feel punishing and negative. Continue reading “18/40/60 Rule and Self Acceptance”

Last weekend sucked so bad

fall seven times stand up eight japanese proverb

Last weekend I was sick with a cough and fever (over 101) and body aches. I am usually a pretty healthy person so being under the weather for a month has not been easy for me at all.  I feel antsy and a bit unhinged and a little scared too- why can’t I shake this? I was on antibiotics a month ago and just finished a course of prednisone.

I hate missing work and I missed 3 days last month. So I am still hacking away and watching the weather get nice outside and feeling bad because I can’t really be out doing much because my lungs won’t let me.

So imagine my  surprise last weekend when, after I had just left work to go to my doctor’s office again for this raging chest cold (I was there earlier in the month too),  my husband announces that he is inviting a friend from work over  along with his girlfriend and their dog. He wants to take them on a hike and to have a cookout (!!) Continue reading “Last weekend sucked so bad”