This morning I had not one iota of self-awareness. My inner calm and serenity went right out the door in an instant…
One thing I am learning, mostly through messing up, is that to have peace in your life, you have to start where you are now.
I am getting over a bad cold. We were supposed to fly to Chicago on Saturday to visit my brother and his family. But I got sick last week, and even though I tried to rest and whatnot, we ended up cancelling the whole trip. So I feel guilty about that, even though I know it would have been stupid and rude to go and stay at my brother’s house with a cough and fever.
So now I have the whole week off from work- but I’m still kinda sick, and I have no plans to do anything. It’s not ideal, but there are worse things than having a week off from work, you know?
Last night I decided I would use this week to rest up and do things I normally don’t have time to do, and take my time at it – like weeding, getting the oil changed on the cars, stuff like that.
I thought also, why don’t I also take time this week to meditate more.
Sounds like a good plan right? Yes, I thought so. When I went to bed last night I was really looking forward to my serene and peaceful week.
But this morning as Bob was going into the shower, he announced that he wanted to work from home today.
And I lost my shit.
What do you mean??? I was looking forward to a day of peace and quiet!!
You remember I told you my husband has these hobbies that all involve lots of mess, noise, and power tools? He fixes broken bikes that he buys on eBay. Well he was really into some projects this weekend. Oh, and it was raining all weekend too, so everything was set up in the living room and dining room. We don’t live in a mansion. You couldn’t walk in either room, and let me tell you it was LOUD.
And when he works from home, he does what he has to on the computer, but he has his projects also going on at the same time. Which is why he loves to work from home when he can. So it would have been the usual with noise and power tools and the mess and him swearing and cursing. Cuz that’s how he rolls.
I really just wanted to be alone, and have some peace and quiet. But my mistake was blurting out my rude statement.
It was 100% reaction to my emotion and I couldn’t stop myself 🙁
So of course he got all hurt and angry, and ended up storming off to work. And as is par for us when heated, we exchanged a few unpleasant words.
So guess what, I got my quiet house. 😛 But now here I am feeling like a jerk because I was so mean. He was mean too, but I started it.
I tried to call him to talk but he said he was busy. That’s code to fuck off. Then I sent him a text and he replied with a rude comment.
So….ok. I messed up. I just have to remember that today I have tools to help me come out of it and turn my day around. I can make peace.
I can start where I am right now, dust myself off and pick myself up again. I feel bad about how I reacted, but it’s over and I can’t undo it.
I guess the lesson for me today is to continue to watch my thoughts and try not to react when I’m triggered.
Sometimes I can catch myself before saying something I later regret. I wasn’t able to this morning. But sometimes I can. When I do, it’s a huge victory. But this morning wasn’t one of those times.
In the meantime, I can have compassion and kindness for myself on my journey to self-awareness and inner calm. And I must have compassion and kindness for my husband too. We’re both just trying to do the best we can.
Is it just me? Are you able to catch yourself before you blurt something out that you know you’ll regret as soon as you say it? I’d love to hear how you do it!
xox, Lisa Arcelia
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