Last weekend I was sick with a cough and fever (over 101) and body aches. I am usually a pretty healthy person so being under the weather for a month has not been easy for me at all. I feel antsy and a bit unhinged and a little scared too- why can’t I shake this? I was on antibiotics a month ago and just finished a course of prednisone.
I hate missing work and I missed 3 days last month. So I am still hacking away and watching the weather get nice outside and feeling bad because I can’t really be out doing much because my lungs won’t let me.
So imagine my surprise last weekend when, after I had just left work to go to my doctor’s office again for this raging chest cold (I was there earlier in the month too), my husband announces that he is inviting a friend from work over along with his girlfriend and their dog. He wants to take them on a hike and to have a cookout (!!)
I was just incredulous. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why he wouldn’t have it anywhere in his dna to not do this while I am sick and in need? He rarely invites friends over, why couldn’t this wait for another weekend?
I know I’m not supposed to take things personally, but I did. I was very upset at him. I didn’t want company. I didn’t want anything other than to be able to rest.
But I wasn’t able to do that either. The day before they came, my fever was at its peak. And he was out of his mind getting the house ready for the company. It was surreal to me.
My spiritual practice for last weekend was to mind my own business. But I failed miserably. I couldn’t do it. I felt horrible physically and I was so angry and sad as well. 🙁
I was upstairs in my room feverish and sweating and coughing and feeling miserable and I could hear my husband with his company talking and laughing and smelling the cookout and hearing them just enjoying the day.
I woke up a few hours later and the sun was going down, and they were still here…
Not once did my husband come upstairs and ask if I was ok or if I needed anything.
So today is Wednesday, my day off and here I am still sick and still feeling bewildered about last weekend.
I know I am not supposed to take the actions of others personally. I know what people do says more about them and really has nothing to do with me.
Not sure how I am supposed to feel about all that, but I know I want to feel better. In the spirit of honoring me and helping to not create any more suffering for myself, here are some things I am grateful for:
That I did not say anything in anger. I wanted to lash out at Bob so badly. I wanted to say something rude and sarcastic and cutting. I wanted to call him out on his rudeness and inappropriateness. But I did not. That took a lot of effort on my part. I am so thankful I held my tongue and kept my feelings to myself, because I know it would only had made things worse.
I am grateful that it passed. It is over. And by holding my tongue I didn’t add to my suffering. I am honoring myself today and being so grateful for having a day off and for the silence and peace I feel in the house. I can rest and relax.
I am grateful that it is March. I am grateful for the light in the morning and the light at the end of the day. Its so nice not to have to commute in the darkness and also to feel that lovely early spring air.
I am grateful that I am journaling this. As nutty as it may sound, I know if I don’t squash this, but put it out into the light only then can I heal. I so want to heal. I don’t want to be bitter and contracted and mean spirited. I don’t understand my husband but that doesn’t mean I have to punish him or make my life miserable. This doesn’t excuse that he was rude to me, but I know if I do my best to stay peaceful, then I can speak to him clearly and calmly and say what I mean.
Thank you for reading!
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