When I slip back into my old habitual thinking habits, which is to react to thoughts instead of noticing them and instead calmly responding to them -without being all emotional -I lose my inner peace. Having no self awareness is for me a recipe for pain and suffering.
Last Sunday before my son went back to college my husband and I got into it verbally. I was online paying 2 bills and noticed how much money he is charging to PayPal to pick things up here and there for his newest hobby, which is fixing old bikes. Well it was NOT a little amount of money – and instead of me sitting with it for a moment and collecting myself before I asked him about it, I blurted out a snarky comment to him.
Well that set him off naturally, he said something back to me that was snarky, and next thing I know we were hurling insults back and forth at each other.
The amount of anger I felt was just off the charts. We both probably scared the shit out of ourselves, because we haven’t talked to each other since and its now Wednesday! 🙁
I know we will be ok, because we always are. Now that we are both in mid-life, we really don’t fight the way we used to. I think we both got tired of constantly butting heads. Also, we have done the therapy thing, we both have done 12 step work, and etc.
But the anger we still have for each other tells me I still have so much inner work to do. Most of the time we are really ok. We have been through emotional hell and high water throughout the 2 decades plus of our marriage. Which I assume most couples that stay together do.
Life is messy. But once I found some inner peace from listening to and implementing the work of Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie, I have felt miles better emotionally.
The anger that got kicked up last weekend was what Eckhart describes as the emotional Pain Body. I know I still have lots of work to do on this. I have a lot of issues around financial stability, and when Bob spends lots of money on things I consider silly, I get triggered. Hell I have tons of triggers, but that is a big one 😉
I will continue to do my best to stay present. I know tonight when he gets home I will apologize. I already texted him a few times and all is well. I am ready to feel better now and move on.
But Lord, if only I had had just an ounce of patience and restraint when I first noticed the PayPal charges from our checking account. If only I could have held it together until I was in charge of my emotions, this stupid fight never would have happened.
Thank you Lord that today I know I can practice being present and have some self awareness. I can watch my thoughts and choose not to react. Today I can do this, and hopefully the next time I feel the urge to lash out in anger, I will realize that the price of me saying something mean and sarcastic is too high.
Because I don’t want to be in pain anymore.
xox, Lisa Arcelia
Thank you for reading!
If you enjoyed this post, get updates from me. It’s FREE 🙂