For a variety of reasons, I find myself feeling very triggered and reactionary today. For the short time I have been awake I have had a very strong urge to lash out at those closest to me – and that means my husband and son, both of whom are home today. I feel the emotional pain right in my solar plexus, almost like a sick to my stomach feeling.
Having the presence of mind to get out of the house, I got in the car and went to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription. I turn on the CD player and hear The Power of Now, disc 6 and this is the balm I need so desperately…
Eckhart teaches that when I feel hurt or angry, on some level I am choosing this and doing this to myself. My thoughts are what’s causing my suffering, not the trigger or any person. I am told to go into the feeling deeply and offer no resistance. This is the way to freedom from pain.
I know that I need to be kind to myself today, so I do what Eckhart says and focus on the feeling. It feels so yucky to be all tensed up in the solar plexus area. I am queasy in the pit of my stomach. I can feel my neck muscles buzzing with tension. It feels absolutely miserable.
I go into it deeper. I feel the feeling and feel it and feel it. I notice that it is not serving any purpose, except to make me feel bad. I feel it deeper and notice I am doing this to myself. I notice what a kindness it is to myself to just let it dissipate.
Oh my gosh, it’s gone. Relief…. blessed relief…
I am left sitting in the car feeling completely still and at ease. Thank you Lord, I think to myself. This moment is a gift.
I can see that today I have to be laser focused on the moment and not let myself get dragged into mental movies and projections of mind.
Once I get home, I notice the prescription is wrong, I have the wrong dosage of my thyroid mediation. Goddammit. I can hear the washing machine upstairs signal that the wash is done. It’s broad daylight and all the lights are turned on in the house. My husband is using a very loud tool in the living room like a drill or something, and my son is upstairs on his computer. There are dishes in the sink. Everything is bugging me.
My stomach tenses up again and I want to lash out again. Like a little child, or a victim. The urge is there to complain and bitch, and indeed mutter something about the stupid prescription loud enough for my husband to hear. As I phone the pharmacy and get put on hold for a larger than normal call volume, I feel the knot in my neck and stomach, and then remember to take a breath.
Breathe… Just breathe… This moment is at is is. There is nothing bad happening right now except my thoughts and body being tensed up.
Feel the feelings deeply. Go into them… Notice they are there and by going into them deeply I can choose to let the feelings go. The neck relaxes, the stomach relaxes.
Relief, thank you Lord. 🙂
I focus on one thing at a time. Breathing… Waiting…
Someone answers from the pharmacy and she informs me that they filled the prescription correctly, there is no new prescription on file.
Great. Yesterday the physician assistant called and said my lab work was off and that she was calling in a new prescription for me.
I go to the computer to look up their phone number and call the office. The lady that picks up keeps calling me hon. She is motherly and kind and I remember to be kind back. I tell her what just happened at the pharmacy and she puts me on hold.
The stress is there but not as bad as before. I remember to stay present and breathe and be the witness to myself.
The lady picks up the phone again and says she is going to resend the prescription in right now. I thank her and hang up.
I am at peace. Its all ok. Thank you Lord for helping me to stay present and focused and not give into my urges to lash out at my family. I don’t want to hurt them, and I don’t want to hurt me either. Thank you for showing me a better way. 🙂
I go upstairs to the laundry in peace.
Have a wonderful day and remember to be kind to yourself.
Thank you for reading!
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